About mothers
I’m on busy mode these days, got a deadline due next week, so I’ll just share with you this piece of writing I found by chance while sorting out the files on my pc. The author is unknown, though I guess this was published on a news website and somebody could have copied it from there. If you happen to know the author, please let me know so I could give credit accordingly.
Here’s something to ponder about our dear mothers…
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My mother has Alzheimer’s Disease. I find clothes neatly folded inside the refrigerator, as if it were a bedroom closet. I catch her sprinkling Tide on her toes, as if it were baby powder. I am now used to answering the same question over and over again at five-minute intervals. She claims she just talked to my dead grandmother or dined with my father who passed away when I was still in college. She looks for her puppy under the bed. That puppy was her father’s gift to her on her 10th birthday. She is 80.
I used to enjoy talking with my mom. Being the youngest child and only girl, I wore clothes of the same design and print that she did. We were inseparable. When I started working, I’d treat her to Shakey’s on weekends. We watched Vilma Santos movies together. On Sunday afternoons, we’d snuggle in bed reading magazines. We took turns feeding our cats and dogs.
Then I became too engrossed in my work and spent less and less time with her. On weekends, I’d sleep the whole day. Since we live in Novaliches, I had to leave early for my eight o’clock job and got home late – too tired to chat with her. But she understood and was always supportive of my job. For 14 years, she was left alone at home while I was at the office. But she did not mind. She had her plants, our pets, and her sewing machine to keep her busy. Her kingdom was our house. In fact, she felt proud of all the tasks she accomplished each day.
I am now a freelancer. I have all the time to spend with my mom. We can chat for hours now, go on vacations out-of-town, watch movies, horse around like we used to. But it’s too late. She now has her own little world. She can’t understand what I say. She can’t appreciate my achievements anymore. She can no longer empathize with me the way she used to. She is obsessed with her odd collection of empty plastic bottles, cereal boxes and tin cans. She collects what I discard – germs and all!
I have to scold her for she won’t listen to my gentle reminders. She insists on going home to a house in Binondo where she was born, grew up and fell in love. But that house is long gone. And so is my grandmother – her mom. She does not believe me when I try to explain these things. She throws a tantrum instead. She thinks I am deceiving her. It breaks my heart. And this happens every single day! I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I feel like a prisoner in a German camp. Now I know what mental torture a mere leaking faucet can induce.
It is ironic that while I can now enjoy being with my mom and talking to her for as long as I want, I’d rather not. I have discovered that it is better to just keep quiet and silently watch her.
‘Fleeting moments’
I used to hear stories of how hard it is to take care of aging parents. They say it can really test your patience. It can suck out your time and energy, not to mention money. I’d like to think that I am better off: my mom is not bedridden. Neither does she make a mess of herself – yet. She still walks around our garden, eats by herself, enjoys our pets and tinkers around.
But I now realize that it is harder to watch your mom gradually drifting into her own private world. I try to catch the fleeting moments when she still knows that she is my mother. I know that one day she will ask who I am. I dread that day.
Many times as I watch her sleeping peacefully like a child, I scold myself. Though I showered her with material gifts when I still had a regular job, I deprived her of so much: my time, my presence, my attention and in a way, my love. I feel guilty for the stories I did not share with her, the advice I did not ask from her, the secrets I did not confide in her, the activities I did not enjoy with her. It’s sad that when I gained new friends and discovered new horizons in life, there was very little space left for her in my heart…
For those out there who still have your mom – sane and sound – always set aside time for her. Grab every opportunity to bond and show her your love. And let her love you too. Let her continue being a mother to you. Seize the time. One day, she might still be around but you would have already lost her.
That article brought back memories of my late Dad at the time when he was already bedridden and totally oblivious to everything around him. The hard part was, there was only my Mom and myself to care for him. It's true, caring for an aging and sick parent can suck the life out of you. There were many instances when I really lost it and got angry with my Dad and our situation. It's just now that I realize I hadn't done everything a good son should have done for his father in his last days. And that guilt I have to carry for the rest of my life.
Most of us Pilipinos with “big” families looking after our parents is not so problematic, other than the financial necessity that has to mix in the process. Sometimes, the Senior Retirement Homes program we have here get a bad rap, but in real world it is good for both parents and children; since the parents will spend the ‘twilight’ years among their groups with proper care from professional and can see and join family member anytime without encumbering their own lives. In some instances, mostly in our case, parents prefer it that way. But then the choice is always theirs. To me and my siblings, we’re quite lucky, with support from one another, our parents were able to spend their final years, here and the Philippines at their pleasure.
i was teary eyed while reading your post. a few days ago, i was chatting with daisy and i told her my only regret is that i did not grow up with nanay. not that it was anybody's fault. i had to be away from my family at 13 para makapag-aral. aside from writing letters, wala na akong iba pang magawa for nanay (di pa uso ang celphone noon). i only consoled myself with the thought that, in a way, i am already doing something for her by studying hard, by trying to be a good person while living away from my family at a very young age.
i received this in my email when my grandmother was still alive and she's having the same illness. naremember ko tuloy yung time na yun
I am teary eyed ,Carey, because I miss my mom so much. Yes, I'm just in manila but I do want to feel close to her everyday. Talking to the phone aint enough. Watching your parents aging is so much to bear and the author was right, it will really test your patience. I am still blessed that I have my parents whom I can still talk to, hug and cry with. Praise God!
Thanks for posting this.
snglguy: I feel sad about your comment. 🙁 Isn't it unhealthy for you to be carrying 'excess baggage' over the years? I'm sure your Dad would have understood if you have lost your patience sometimes, even the most enduring of all persons would have failed if given the same situation you were in. Don't take it too hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done…but try to let go. Your Dad would be happier if he sees you freed from this burdensome guilt. cheers!
vic: Yes, Retirement Homes are not that accepted here in our country, maybe because we want our elderlies to be with us as they spend their last years. Maybe hiring special nurses would help without them having to stay in other places. Your parents are blessed to have responsible and caring children. 🙂
By the way, I hope you will enable your blog to post comments from us having no blogger account.
bea: Iba rin pala experience mo, growing up without your Mom around. Good thing you had been communicating with her. Anyway, I know you've done great with your studies, and I'm sure proud na proud ang Nanay mo sa 'yo.
tin-tin: Mahirap pala yung Alzheimer's 'no? nagiging weird rin yung behaviour pala. nakakatawa pero nakakainis rin.
jef: Uy, you teary-eyed?! he he… Yes, praise God for the good health of our parents, that we can still talk to them and even exchange corny jokes, and a bit of tampuhan (in my case).
You're welcome! I posted this kasi magandang i-share. 😀
wala nako gibasa kay kabalo ko makahilak lang ko hehehe but i get the gist though, one of my greatest fear in life is to lose my parents i don't know how i'll survive w/o them that's why i try to treasure every moment w/ them
I have read this article or something like this before. The topic of parents support is a debatable topic given the filipinos family support system. My personal opinion is, we cannot fully give our hearts out to the elderly unless we take care of ourselves first. Easier said than done for others, though, but thats my personal opinion.
sorry 'bout that ideasnpink, most of my settings on everything on default, cuz to be honest, i've never done p.c. until only over a year ago and the very first one I had lasted only 3 days, so just leave things as long as they're working. but now changed it to anyone, a click here and there, I learn a few.
raine: honestly i didn't find this article the type that would move me to tears. i just found it interesting coz of the disease w/c i thought is harmless but it's not to be underestimated though.
Tracy: yes it really is a debatable topic. i guess it depends on the family, whatever they agree upon, as long as it works for the best – both for the parents and the children.
thanks for dropping by Tracy! 🙂
vic: ahh, ok that's why. 🙂 at least you've got a blog, not bad for starters. have fun with learning…